In my opinion, weddings are two things: a celebration and reminder.
Perhaps it is because I currently have never had someone special in my life, but whenever I attend weddings, I always fall a bit sad. Usually I am a person that is perfectly comfortable with being by myself (in fact, most of the time I PREFER it), but somehow weddings always make me question. The emotions I usually feel are envy and all that comes with self-pity. Questions that arise tend to be the following types:
“When will I meet my person?”
“WILL I EVER find that someone?”
“Why is it NOT my time yet?”
and the internal reflection goes on.
I am not a person that likes to outwardly complain about my issues when I have no solution for the problems I have. So I usually choose to not say anything because well…what’s the point?
What often occurs is also a long hard look at my life as a single girl, and wondering if it is the way I choose to live, choose to carry myself, and choose to be in the world that is the problem. Could the person I am be the reason why I have not met anyone yet? Could my fear of rejection and heartbreak be preventing me from taking chances? Could be. Could be.
I tend to romanticize about being in a relationship. How great it is to have someone to share your life with. How awesome it would be to not constantly be worried of ending up being alone for the “rest of [your] life.” After all that is said and fantasized, I snap back into reality and have to remind myself of the realities of ACTUALLY BEING with another person…and all that comes with that “status.”
I use to say that the reason why I haven’t dated is because I can’t picture myself with anyone. While that may still be true…to an extent…I do wonder if I’ll ever be COMPLETELY ready? Is anyone ever TRULY ready to be vulnerable and open themselves up to another? I’m not sure…are YOU? Another response I often default to when asked about my nonexistent love life is “because there isn’t anyone.” When I say that I tend to mean “there isn’t anyone interested in me” (that I am aware) and less “no one I am interested in.”
To be clear, I have feelings, crushes, attractions towards others just like every other person on this earth (perks of being human). I just choose to not act on those feelings…majority of the time. Now before the “take a chance” responses start hitting, hear me out. Like many, I experienced quite a few rejections way back in the day. I believe it is because of those moments that I now I choose to do nothing…until I know “for sure” that feelings will be reciprocated. While that has not happened and I am aware that mentality won’t resolve anything… I ask you… wouldn’t you do the same? Perhaps not.
This past weekend I was able to work two separate weddings (POST ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE SOON) and I had plenty of time to think and reflect. I believe the opportunities I have been given lately have been God’s way of guiding me to the next step of my life. Maybe all the wedding experience I have been having and the conversations I have been able to witness and have is His way of reminding me to take action with Love.
Yesterday during the Bride and Groom’s wedding reception, I spent some time reflecting on my life. Some of the reflections included asking myself why I always get so sad whenever I see people(especially couples) happy, particularly at weddings. The conclusion I made was this:
because I want what they have.
I just won’t admit it to myself.
So after talking to God, (yet again) how I want to meet my future “someone” already and realizing that my usual pity party route will no longer cut it, I decided to take action:
Until I meet him, I will
#1: Pray for us, and all that comes with the future we will have. Whether I feel like it or not, BELIEVE it or not, I WILL pray for us EVERYDAY (yes. every.day.)
#2: No matter how long or how short, I will read a passage from Corinthians everyday. Maybe I will expand to other books within the Word, but for now, I will concentrate there since it’s known to mention love more than the other parts.
#3: I will play ONE song about Love everyday. This will help not only keep my faith alive about meeting him but also bring hope about our future together.
These three tasks have become part of my daily routine and will keep being in my life until the day I have what I have been longing and praying for.
I don’t know when,where,or how it’ll happen, and that is what scares me. The uncertainty of “us” is what makes me the most uneasy. I can only hope that this new routine I am trying to nurture will help ease my worries.
Filled with excitement and (of course) anxiety, I shall sign it off here.
Til next post!