A new day…. A NEW ENTRY! Grab something to chill with cause it’s gonna be another post filled with words from your girl Sam. Yes that’s right, I’m just overflowing with wisdom. Sup.
Today’s post is yet another subject matter that many can relate to. It’s a feeling that I’m sure most of have felt at least once before in our lives.
To whom it may concern: I hope after reading you can find comfort in knowing that you’re not the only who has felt and thought this way.
Enough babbling, let us jump into it.
March 22, 2015
I have the tendency to over-think and assume that just because I was not personally invited to something and everyone else was that I am not “in” with the group and am unimportant, or in other words hated. I am aware of how it makes me sound like a self-centered princess who constantly wants everyone’s attention on her. It’s not something I am proud of and will probably be with me for the rest of my days on Earth. It’s not that I need to be the center of the attention every second of every day; it’s my need to feel include, important enough to be asked, and the desire to belong and appreciated. The fear is this: being left behind and that because I am always playing catch up, I am always left out from the “important” moments.
I will admit, this fear of mine has gotten me into plenty situations where it is very clear just how hard I am forcing and trying my way into the circle. As bad and desperate that sounds here’s the worst part: most of the time I am fully aware of how pathetic I look but I still CHOOSE to continue latching on to each I meet, claiming them as one of my closest within seconds. Eventually when I realize how creepy and strong I came across, I am also reminded of how difficult, hard, and frustrating it is to shake habits you’re trying to squash.
I guess why I feel the need to belong and establish myself in others’ lives immediately has to do with my first few years of school. I did not make very many friends. Whenever I did manage to make friends, these friends of mine would allow me to think they were genuinely interested in my friendship only to show me how wrong my assumptions were. I vaguely remember my mother sharing the sadness she felt when I came home and asked her how come no one wanted to be my friend. Sounds quite whiny now but as a kid, who had never experienced that sort of rejection before, I’d say it was quite trauma-tizing and may very well be the reason for my still-existing fear of friends always trying to find ways to avoid and or leave me out in the cold. Now, if that isn’t proof of how paranoid of a person I am I don’t know what is!
Fear has the ability to make you do things that you’d NORMALLY would never consider when NOT in fear. The fear of being left out has the power to make you do everything in your power to not be excluded, including forcing yourself to learn a new fandom just so you have something to talk about with those you’re essentially proving yourself to. Fear of not being liked can also cause you and I to not knowing when and or HOW to say N-O. Often times the fear of messing up something is enough for me not to pursue it. This is very much true for me when it comes to making friends. I tend to not know how to approach others and will choose not to introduce myself until THEY make the first move. It’s not that I feel they should be the ones approaching me, it’s purely the fear of not knowing how they’ll react to who I am that ultimately leads me to not take that leap of faith.
Throughout my entire life I have continuously searched and craved for the sense of belonging to a community where, for once, I am not looking in from the outside but rather INside with everyone else. Whenever I have found what I’ve been looking for, a new fear always arrives just in time to replace the other: the fear of not knowing how long before I have to pack my bags and start searching for my next community, my next home. While it has been quite the search so far, here’s what I’ve learned: It is better to have quality friendships rather than a high quantity of them and that it takes not only time, honesty, but also a fair amount of effort for relationships to thrive. Hopefully one day I will get over this irrational fear of mine and learn to fully accept myself every second of every day, week, month, year. My hope is to learn to be okay with rejection and practice the art of choosing to be happy, to celebrate and cherish all that I do have, rather than constantly pouting about the disappoints of life. That is my wish, prayer, or whatever you want to call it.